Random Thoughts of a 30 Something Black Girl

This is the post excerpt.


So………. far too often I have so much to say. Some things I feel are important, that could help others. Sometimes what I have to say is just funny as hell but not something that I’d like to say out loud. Sometimes what I have to say is too painful to express to people I know. Other times I am unable to articulate things in a way that it will be received as I would like it to be. These random thoughts, and feelings had to go somewhere, and so this blog was born. This blog will literally cover any and everything that I think and feel and so sometimes it will seem like there is no cohesiveness; be prepared for that if plan to follow.

I am currently 33 years old, and I am married with 2 kids. I find that at this point in my life my thoughts tend to land and focus on how I feel as a black woman in my environment, men and our (women) relationships with them, my relationships with my MANY sisters, and other day-to-day stuff. We’ll see how this goes…….


Cheating Men

Recently a woman posted on Facebook in a private group that her husband who is a trucker and is away from home during the week and home during the weekend accused her of cheating because she finds herself too tired to have sex when he gets home. She explained that she cares for the kids and the home with no help, and that she’s completely exhausted by the time he gets home. She didn’t say she denied him every time, but she was getting very tired of being accused of cheating.

The group, (which is populated by women only) started to comment with some of the most ridiculous things I have seen!!!!! Below are actual quotes…

“Girl, don’t you know you have to pet your dog to keep him on your porch”

“My husband is a trucker and I’m telling you better have sex with him or the parking lot lizards will get him” ((((what the entire FUCK is a parking lot lizard)))

“You’re being selfish. Men are different than us, they NEED sex, and every woman knows this”.

Listen, I agree that sometimes we, as women/husband/what the fuck evers, have to take one for the team. No one feels like having sex every single time sex is offered to them, (no one I know at least), but we cave in once in a while because we love our significant others, and we want to please them at least some time. However, to me it was CLEAR that this woman is married to an idiot!!!!  And the fact that out of maybe 600 comments 4 women spoke against his accusations is TROUBLING.

What pissed me off however was the thought that putting out would keep this man from cheating??? REALLY BITCH, IS THAT ALL IT TAKES???? That shit is so laughable. Listen, in case you didn’t know….


The fact that women still believe that there are things that can and will prevent a man from cheating baffles me! Also please understand that there is never a justifiable reason to cheat. You’d literally have to say:

I emotionally abused you because *** insert irrelevant answer here***.

There is always the option to leave. There is always the option to communicate your needs to your spouse. There’s always the option to have an open relationship, (notice I said relationship not marriage because that’s a tough one).

Any woman who believes that there are things that can be done or avoided to keep her man faithful must also blame herself for when he cheats. Ummmmmm?????? I can’t think of one person who was cheated on and deserved it, not even as pay back. No one deserves to be emotionally played with. No one deserves a broken heart.

The fact that these women don’t get that is ridiculous. The women on this post were so completely and totally ignorant I believe it may have dropped my I.Q. a bit……


Random Thoughts

Cheating Men



If you don’t set boundaries, you invite disrespect.

I have so many friends, and people I work with both in my guard unit and in my civilian job who talk to me about their various relationships, (i.e. husband/wife, mother/child, in-laws and siblings) and how they feel disrespected. After asking questions about certain aspects of the conflicts I realized that many people are not effectively communicating with the individuals they are in conflict with.  Before I go further I want to introduce 2 concepts  and or vocabulary words to you, the first is ethnocentric. Loosely defined, ethnocentric means to evaluate people and or cultures according to your own culture’s standards. The second term I want to introduce you to is mind reading as it pertains to communication. In this sense, mind reading can be defined as assuming you know what a person is thinking and or assuming that a person should know how you feel about something or someone.

So let’s tackle this a little at a time. If someone is doing something to you that you find offensive and you do not voice this offense, then you cannot hold them accountable for it. People cannot read your mind. Now lets be completely honest here, in some instances people are wronging you and they know they are, and they don’t care. It happens, but that’s not what we are talking about here. We are talking about annoying habits that can in some instances be disrespectful. For instance, a girlfriend of mines complained that her mother in law (MIL) would come over unannounced and usually after they have put their baby down for the night. She would come in the home and wake their child, hang out for an hour or so and then leave them with trying to put the baby to sleep. She complained and complained and complained to me so much and finally I asked, “Have you ever spoken to your MIL and tell her that her unannounced visits were disrupting your household”? Unsurprisingly, she said no. She said that the way she was raised people called before they came over, and she can’t believe that this woman consistiently came to her home uninvited and unannounced. I explained to her that at this point, her MIL wasn’t in the wrong, because she was never made aware that what she was doing was wrong. Had my girlfriend spoken to her after the first unannounced visit occurred she wouldn’t be so upset. This particular friend is VERY passive aggressive and so I have no doubt that she may have attempted to drop hints but true to her nature she avoids conflicts at all costs, to include her sanity.

Her failure to set that boundary, invited the constant disrespect she felt when her MIL came to her home. It also built resentment that caused their relationship to begin to decay. I explained to her that her MIL is not a mind reader. If every time she comes over unannounced she’s allowed in your home and you welcome her, what did you expect to happen? Furthermore, while the culture of your family, and or your family values requires you to call someone before darkening their doorstep, GREAT!!!! But maybe, her family culture tells her that formalities are not required to visit. I explained that she was projecting her family values on others as if that is the norm, and or the standard that all families should follow. Her ethnocentric tendancie was causing her to harshly and unfairly judge her husband’s entire family, (she was saying to me that it’s obvious that they were raised with no consideration and or manners).

How do you set boundaries???

Well you don’t have to provide everyone with a list of rules. You can however, address issues as they come up. For example, the first time my friend’s MIL came by, she should have let her know that it was inappropriate. It does have to get ugly either. Here’s a good an example….

“Mom thank you for coming by, but I’m sorry the baby is asleep, and we are getting ready to turn in for the night. Next time give me a call, and I’ll let you know if it’s okay to come by”.

That’s not so bad! There is nothing rude with boundaries unless someone insists on crossing them, and then well………..

Anyway, this has gotten a bit long so I’m out! Comment, share, and or email me your thoughts!


blog boundaries


Random Thoughts


Bitter Women


There are many reasons why marriages/relationships do not work. In all honesty there is rarely situations were the blame can be placed on only one partner. For the most part both people contributed the the demise of the marriage/relationship.

While women and men alike can cause issues after a breakup, I want to address women specifically; more specifically I want to speak about women who have children by their ex husbands/boyfriends.

Many women become FLATOUT bitter. I recently watched a clip on Facebook of a ‘child’ who put hair remover in her stepmother’s shampoo and conditioner causing permanent hair loss. What struck me is after sharing the video, how a woman commented that the stepmother mother was probably a ‘nasty woman’ and she was humbled by the daughter.


She went on to say that second wives are second stringers, and or alternative wives. So I had to evaluate this lady for a moment because I truly wanted to know where she was coming from. Then I realized that, she’s simply a BITTER BITCH. She’s a mother of 2 or 3 children with not a committed man in sight and the thought that the men she had children with moving on and having successful and happy marriages with other women is too hard to deal with.

My concern with this situation is simply the children. I have no doubt that women who are this damn angry and bitter are teaching their children the same. I have no doubt that they are making it difficult for the children and fathers to have a strong and loving relationship with one another. I’m certain that they feel comfortable inappropriately inserting themselves in places they have no business and doing so while using their children as justification.

Listen sistah….

Please walk away from the Bitter Baby Mama Club. It doesn’t serve you, it hinders you. If you want to be happy, and in a committed relationship then you should let go of the relationship and man that let go of you. You don’t have to be best friends with his new lady, but you could certainly be courteous and respectfully of her and their relationship. Be an example to your kids. I know it’s not easy. Hell after you give your all to a man, and bare his child(ren) just to get hurt, and lose it all is undoubtly a traumatic and devastating experience. What’s worse though is wasting anymore time, energy and emotions on a dead situation. Walk away with grace; if for no other reason to save face. Don’t continously embarrass yourself with the bitter bitch activities. You’re playing yourself and setting a bad example to your children. Find peace. He did……


Bitter Women Blog

Family: ‘Out of Town’

I have a lot of sisters. And I do mean a lot. For the most part it’s all love. We don’t all talk to one another each day, but we all love one another and as far as the kids are concerned we unashamedly spoil the hell out of our nieces and nephews! There is however one sister. There’s no other way to say it, SHE’S A USER! I have literally not had a decent conversation with her since 2010….. 7 YEARS AGO. We spoke briefly in 2012, and I do mean brief, and it was very awkward. And why else would any family members have a falling out????? MONEY! She borrowed money and refused to pay it back. To be perfectly honest it was never the money to me, it was always the principle. She borrowed $500 from me and swore she couldn’t afford to return it however she managed to purchase a 300K house, a new Volvo and other lavish items. The last straw for me however is when she stopped speaking to my mother because after sending her over 10K in a year’s time my mom said enough was enough and cut her off. Her daughter then cut her off.


Recently, I was in her parts of the country and decided that I should reach out. Seeing as I don’t have her number or address I reached out to one of my little sisters who does and told her that I was near our oldest sister’s house and that I was going to step out on faith and reach out. I then told her to pass her my number, and my husband’s number and let her know that she’s more than welcomed to meet her niece and see how big her nephew has gotten. My sister, being the comedian replied with, “You stepping out on faith with the wrong bitch, but OKAY”.


Later that evening my little sister texted me back and said our older sister was out of town, (please see the text traffic below lmao). We both kinda figured that that was untrue, but hey, what can you do????


And that’s the point of this post, what can you do? There are going to be so many situation where you’re dealing with family and they drive you absolutely damn crazy. They lie. They accuse. They play victim. The villainize you. Sometimes, they simply decide they do not want to deal with you or your children at all. What do you do??? Look around and take inventory of all the people that you do have for starters! I have sisters whom I love with every breath in my body, but still some how they love me more. I have friends who have become my family. And while ideally you’d love all of your family to be close knit life isn’t perfect.


So I hope my sister enjoys being ‘out of town’. I hope she’s happy, successful and loved by all of whom she’s in town for, because though she is missed, me and mines are doing just fine…….



Look at this shit lmao………

Family BLog Post


Sometimes You Outgrow Your Friends

So my tribe consist primarily of my military friends. We all grew up all over the country, and we have been friends for roughly 15 years. When each of us travels back to our childhood homes and meet up with our old friends we are finding that there’s very little connection left.


One of my girlfriends in particular traveled back home to NYC from Atlanta for her birthday weekend this past month. Her best friend from childhood (the only one who she actually kept up with over the years) hosted the event. The plan was to do a paint night, followed by live music at a lounge before calling it a night. Unfortunately, her best friend didn’t brief the group and they showed up expecting to turn all the way up, like they did before my friend moved away 15 years ago. Long story short she felt pressured to drink and club hop and ended up calling a night far sooner than planned.


I have spoken to this friend on several occasions about this particular childhood friend. She calls me and complains about how this friend is giving her hell about her commitment to her marriage, and her unavailability to visit and party among other things, and my question is always, why are you guys still friends?


My girlfriend and her best friend are opposites in every way. My friend is married with children, has a great career, and has traveled the world. Her friend is single, in a dead-end job, and rarely leaves NYC let alone the country. Their only connection are middle and high school memories that occurred what seems to be a lifetime ago, (we all graduated from high school in 2002 so I guess it wasn’t a lifetime but many changes have occurred in this time). Now, this doesn’t mean that my friend is better than her old friend, it just means that their connection is founded on childhood, and should probably be left there. My friend’s idea of fun has changed immensely! She, (as well as I) consider fun painting and wine, traveling and live music at various venues for starters. Picking a place for the two of them to hang out is always a challenge, one that she complains about constantly.


So, I say all of that to say ask yourself, have I outgrown your friends? If so, it’s okay! As we grow and change, so do the people around us, which means we may not always mesh. This is why I always tell people not to marry before 25, (another blog, coming soon). It’s perfectly fine to outgrow old friends and make new ones. Don’t feel obligated to remain friends with someone you don’t share any interest with. If you feel like that individual is a great person who you’d like to keep around, get to know them again, and reintroduce yourself to them as well. You  can learn a lot from one another and experience new and great things. But let go of dead relationships, they are pointless.


Outgrowing Friends Blog

Dealing With Selfish People

So, it has taken me a long while to actually write this blog. It’s because there are so many moving pieces and so many variables. Because of those facts, understand that these thoughts that I am about to express do not necessarily apply to every type of relationship. What I want to address right now is selfish people and having a relationship with them. While a lot of what I am saying can apply to any type of relationship, i.e. friends, siblings, parent child, I am mostly addressing spouse relationships. Again, there is so much to be said about this topic and it’s a bit confusing as to where to start, so we’ll tackle it at what I consider to be the most important, identifying a selfish person.


Selfish people do not always set out to hurt people, and it’s important to understand that. When you realize someone is selfish you have to understand that they more than likely do not even realize that they are selfish and do not identify as such. Because selfish people do not realize that they are selfish, they don’t see a need to change which means that it is highly unlikely that they will change. If you decide at that point that you want to be with them, DO NOT BE UPSET WITH THEM FOR BEING EXACTLY WHO THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN. You cannot change anyone, they have to want to change.


Selfish people can love you but only to the extent of their comfort. Sacrificing what’s important for anyone else is highly unlikely. They will only get uncomfortable, or sacrifice when losing you is not an option for them and even then their motives is about THEIR need for you, not about your needs, which makes their efforts truly insincere. Trying to articulate this to them can be fruitless because they do not understand that things had to get to a place where your relationship was about to dissolve for them to take action. They typically do not understand that their actions were selfish because they only see that the change was made, not that it took losing you for them to be courteous of you and your needs. And the changes usually don’t last because they never saw the value in them to begin with.


Here’s the big thing, you cannot punish people for who they are. If you decide to engage with someone who isn’t what you need, then you have to accept them. You cannot make someone pay for what they are lacking in the relationship, you can only walk away. If you have a hard time leaving the relationship, you need to figure out what this person’s hold on you is, and whether or not that ‘thing’ is worth being with someone who cares far more about themselves then they do about you. I am firm believer in treating everyone the way I want to be treated, and if they don’t deserve to be treated that way, then they do not deserve to be in your space.

Selfish Blog

Finding Balance as a Wife and or Mother

I certainly cannot speak for every woman, mother or wife, but I know a few things that I feel I should share. When you’re young and single rarely do you appreciate what that means. It means that you can come and go as you please. It means that your money is your own and you are not obligated to do anything with it but what you please. It means that you can travel, explore and move as you please. It is an amazing and wonderful period in life that we, as women often give up too soon! Now this isn’t to say that being a mother and or wife isn’t amazing in its own right. I am a mother of two children. I am also married. I am very blessed and I am appreciative of what I have.


The problem I believe is that many women get married and or have children before we realize who we are or what we want. By the time we realize where we want to be or who we want to be, achieving it is so difficult because we have so many other obligations and our desires can no longer be our priority. We have children who need raising, husbands who need praising and bills, bills, bills….


We cannot go back in time and get a redo but we can find some much-needed balance! First things first, YOU ARE A PRIORITY!!!! If you are not well, then you cannot take care of your family and other obligations. If your family is used to you constantly caring for them with no regards to your own needs getting them to understand you ‘new’ self-care time, and or requirement maybe a little difficult. To make it easy, make it a regularly occurring event. For example, let your family know that the first Saturday of every month is your day and you will be spending that time alone. Or let them know that you want to go back to school and doing so is going to require a little sacrifice from everyone.


Also, get comfortable with people, (and in some cases your own husband) thinking you’re selfish. Yes, your husband. This is the thing, often they just don’t get it. They probably grew up with a super woman for a mom who selflessly cared for them and their siblings with little care for her own wellbeing. KUDOS TO HER!!!!! But that doesn’t have to be you, and its not a requirement of a good wife and or mother. You are a person. You have needs, and you need to care for yourself.  Or maybe they married you with the understanding that you were to take up a certain role, and somewhere in the shuffle you changed and need something new. Whatever the case is you may be thought of as a BITCH because you’re ready to take care of yourself. Being thought of in this way can be hurtful, but you have to live each and every day that you wake up, and you have to figure out what’s most important, being thought of in a positive way or living a positive life.

In short, be selfish sometimes. Be happy all the time. Don’t forget about (insert your name here), because she’s amazing……….
Reach out, I’d love to hear from you!


Model Mother and Daughter