Boundaries

So……. BOUNDARIES.

If you don’t set boundaries, you invite disrespect.

I have so many friends, and people I work with both in my guard unit and in my civilian job who talk to me about their various relationships, (i.e. husband/wife, mother/child, in-laws and siblings) and how they feel disrespected. After asking questions about certain aspects of the conflicts I realized that many people are not effectively communicating with the individuals they are in conflict with.  Before I go further I want to introduce 2 concepts  and or vocabulary words to you, the first is ethnocentric. Loosely defined, ethnocentric means to evaluate people and or cultures according to your own culture’s standards. The second term I want to introduce you to is mind reading as it pertains to communication. In this sense, mind reading can be defined as assuming you know what a person is thinking and or assuming that a person should know how you feel about something or someone.

So let’s tackle this a little at a time. If someone is doing something to you that you find offensive and you do not voice this offense, then you cannot hold them accountable for it. People cannot read your mind. Now lets be completely honest here, in some instances people are wronging you and they know they are, and they don’t care. It happens, but that’s not what we are talking about here. We are talking about annoying habits that can in some instances be disrespectful. For instance, a girlfriend of mines complained that her mother in law (MIL) would come over unannounced and usually after they have put their baby down for the night. She would come in the home and wake their child, hang out for an hour or so and then leave them with trying to put the baby to sleep. She complained and complained and complained to me so much and finally I asked, “Have you ever spoken to your MIL and tell her that her unannounced visits were disrupting your household”? Unsurprisingly, she said no. She said that the way she was raised people called before they came over, and she can’t believe that this woman consistiently came to her home uninvited and unannounced. I explained to her that at this point, her MIL wasn’t in the wrong, because she was never made aware that what she was doing was wrong. Had my girlfriend spoken to her after the first unannounced visit occurred she wouldn’t be so upset. This particular friend is VERY passive aggressive and so I have no doubt that she may have attempted to drop hints but true to her nature she avoids conflicts at all costs, to include her sanity.

Her failure to set that boundary, invited the constant disrespect she felt when her MIL came to her home. It also built resentment that caused their relationship to begin to decay. I explained to her that her MIL is not a mind reader. If every time she comes over unannounced she’s allowed in your home and you welcome her, what did you expect to happen? Furthermore, while the culture of your family, and or your family values requires you to call someone before darkening their doorstep, GREAT!!!! But maybe, her family culture tells her that formalities are not required to visit. I explained that she was projecting her family values on others as if that is the norm, and or the standard that all families should follow. Her ethnocentric tendancie was causing her to harshly and unfairly judge her husband’s entire family, (she was saying to me that it’s obvious that they were raised with no consideration and or manners).

How do you set boundaries???

Well you don’t have to provide everyone with a list of rules. You can however, address issues as they come up. For example, the first time my friend’s MIL came by, she should have let her know that it was inappropriate. It does have to get ugly either. Here’s a good an example….

“Mom thank you for coming by, but I’m sorry the baby is asleep, and we are getting ready to turn in for the night. Next time give me a call, and I’ll let you know if it’s okay to come by”.

That’s not so bad! There is nothing rude with boundaries unless someone insists on crossing them, and then well………..

Anyway, this has gotten a bit long so I’m out! Comment, share, and or email me your thoughts!

 

blog boundaries

Thanks,

Random Thoughts

 

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Bitter Women

So……

There are many reasons why marriages/relationships do not work. In all honesty there is rarely situations were the blame can be placed on only one partner. For the most part both people contributed the the demise of the marriage/relationship.

While women and men alike can cause issues after a breakup, I want to address women specifically; more specifically I want to speak about women who have children by their ex husbands/boyfriends.

Many women become FLATOUT bitter. I recently watched a clip on Facebook of a ‘child’ who put hair remover in her stepmother’s shampoo and conditioner causing permanent hair loss. What struck me is after sharing the video, how a woman commented that the stepmother mother was probably a ‘nasty woman’ and she was humbled by the daughter.

SERIOUSLY???

She went on to say that second wives are second stringers, and or alternative wives. So I had to evaluate this lady for a moment because I truly wanted to know where she was coming from. Then I realized that, she’s simply a BITTER BITCH. She’s a mother of 2 or 3 children with not a committed man in sight and the thought that the men she had children with moving on and having successful and happy marriages with other women is too hard to deal with.

My concern with this situation is simply the children. I have no doubt that women who are this damn angry and bitter are teaching their children the same. I have no doubt that they are making it difficult for the children and fathers to have a strong and loving relationship with one another. I’m certain that they feel comfortable inappropriately inserting themselves in places they have no business and doing so while using their children as justification.

Listen sistah….

Please walk away from the Bitter Baby Mama Club. It doesn’t serve you, it hinders you. If you want to be happy, and in a committed relationship then you should let go of the relationship and man that let go of you. You don’t have to be best friends with his new lady, but you could certainly be courteous and respectfully of her and their relationship. Be an example to your kids. I know it’s not easy. Hell after you give your all to a man, and bare his child(ren) just to get hurt, and lose it all is undoubtly a traumatic and devastating experience. What’s worse though is wasting anymore time, energy and emotions on a dead situation. Walk away with grace; if for no other reason to save face. Don’t continously embarrass yourself with the bitter bitch activities. You’re playing yourself and setting a bad example to your children. Find peace. He did……

 

Bitter Women Blog

Finding Balance as a Wife and or Mother

I certainly cannot speak for every woman, mother or wife, but I know a few things that I feel I should share. When you’re young and single rarely do you appreciate what that means. It means that you can come and go as you please. It means that your money is your own and you are not obligated to do anything with it but what you please. It means that you can travel, explore and move as you please. It is an amazing and wonderful period in life that we, as women often give up too soon! Now this isn’t to say that being a mother and or wife isn’t amazing in its own right. I am a mother of two children. I am also married. I am very blessed and I am appreciative of what I have.

 

The problem I believe is that many women get married and or have children before we realize who we are or what we want. By the time we realize where we want to be or who we want to be, achieving it is so difficult because we have so many other obligations and our desires can no longer be our priority. We have children who need raising, husbands who need praising and bills, bills, bills….

 

We cannot go back in time and get a redo but we can find some much-needed balance! First things first, YOU ARE A PRIORITY!!!! If you are not well, then you cannot take care of your family and other obligations. If your family is used to you constantly caring for them with no regards to your own needs getting them to understand you ‘new’ self-care time, and or requirement maybe a little difficult. To make it easy, make it a regularly occurring event. For example, let your family know that the first Saturday of every month is your day and you will be spending that time alone. Or let them know that you want to go back to school and doing so is going to require a little sacrifice from everyone.

 

Also, get comfortable with people, (and in some cases your own husband) thinking you’re selfish. Yes, your husband. This is the thing, often they just don’t get it. They probably grew up with a super woman for a mom who selflessly cared for them and their siblings with little care for her own wellbeing. KUDOS TO HER!!!!! But that doesn’t have to be you, and its not a requirement of a good wife and or mother. You are a person. You have needs, and you need to care for yourself.  Or maybe they married you with the understanding that you were to take up a certain role, and somewhere in the shuffle you changed and need something new. Whatever the case is you may be thought of as a BITCH because you’re ready to take care of yourself. Being thought of in this way can be hurtful, but you have to live each and every day that you wake up, and you have to figure out what’s most important, being thought of in a positive way or living a positive life.

In short, be selfish sometimes. Be happy all the time. Don’t forget about (insert your name here), because she’s amazing……….
Reach out, I’d love to hear from you!

RandomThoughtsBlog17@gmail.com 

Model Mother and Daughter