Boundaries

So……. BOUNDARIES.

If you don’t set boundaries, you invite disrespect.

I have so many friends, and people I work with both in my guard unit and in my civilian job who talk to me about their various relationships, (i.e. husband/wife, mother/child, in-laws and siblings) and how they feel disrespected. After asking questions about certain aspects of the conflicts I realized that many people are not effectively communicating with the individuals they are in conflict with.  Before I go further I want to introduce 2 concepts  and or vocabulary words to you, the first is ethnocentric. Loosely defined, ethnocentric means to evaluate people and or cultures according to your own culture’s standards. The second term I want to introduce you to is mind reading as it pertains to communication. In this sense, mind reading can be defined as assuming you know what a person is thinking and or assuming that a person should know how you feel about something or someone.

So let’s tackle this a little at a time. If someone is doing something to you that you find offensive and you do not voice this offense, then you cannot hold them accountable for it. People cannot read your mind. Now lets be completely honest here, in some instances people are wronging you and they know they are, and they don’t care. It happens, but that’s not what we are talking about here. We are talking about annoying habits that can in some instances be disrespectful. For instance, a girlfriend of mines complained that her mother in law (MIL) would come over unannounced and usually after they have put their baby down for the night. She would come in the home and wake their child, hang out for an hour or so and then leave them with trying to put the baby to sleep. She complained and complained and complained to me so much and finally I asked, “Have you ever spoken to your MIL and tell her that her unannounced visits were disrupting your household”? Unsurprisingly, she said no. She said that the way she was raised people called before they came over, and she can’t believe that this woman consistiently came to her home uninvited and unannounced. I explained to her that at this point, her MIL wasn’t in the wrong, because she was never made aware that what she was doing was wrong. Had my girlfriend spoken to her after the first unannounced visit occurred she wouldn’t be so upset. This particular friend is VERY passive aggressive and so I have no doubt that she may have attempted to drop hints but true to her nature she avoids conflicts at all costs, to include her sanity.

Her failure to set that boundary, invited the constant disrespect she felt when her MIL came to her home. It also built resentment that caused their relationship to begin to decay. I explained to her that her MIL is not a mind reader. If every time she comes over unannounced she’s allowed in your home and you welcome her, what did you expect to happen? Furthermore, while the culture of your family, and or your family values requires you to call someone before darkening their doorstep, GREAT!!!! But maybe, her family culture tells her that formalities are not required to visit. I explained that she was projecting her family values on others as if that is the norm, and or the standard that all families should follow. Her ethnocentric tendancie was causing her to harshly and unfairly judge her husband’s entire family, (she was saying to me that it’s obvious that they were raised with no consideration and or manners).

How do you set boundaries???

Well you don’t have to provide everyone with a list of rules. You can however, address issues as they come up. For example, the first time my friend’s MIL came by, she should have let her know that it was inappropriate. It does have to get ugly either. Here’s a good an example….

“Mom thank you for coming by, but I’m sorry the baby is asleep, and we are getting ready to turn in for the night. Next time give me a call, and I’ll let you know if it’s okay to come by”.

That’s not so bad! There is nothing rude with boundaries unless someone insists on crossing them, and then well………..

Anyway, this has gotten a bit long so I’m out! Comment, share, and or email me your thoughts!

 

blog boundaries

Thanks,

Random Thoughts

 

Advertisements

Bitter Women

So……

There are many reasons why marriages/relationships do not work. In all honesty there is rarely situations were the blame can be placed on only one partner. For the most part both people contributed the the demise of the marriage/relationship.

While women and men alike can cause issues after a breakup, I want to address women specifically; more specifically I want to speak about women who have children by their ex husbands/boyfriends.

Many women become FLATOUT bitter. I recently watched a clip on Facebook of a ‘child’ who put hair remover in her stepmother’s shampoo and conditioner causing permanent hair loss. What struck me is after sharing the video, how a woman commented that the stepmother mother was probably a ‘nasty woman’ and she was humbled by the daughter.

SERIOUSLY???

She went on to say that second wives are second stringers, and or alternative wives. So I had to evaluate this lady for a moment because I truly wanted to know where she was coming from. Then I realized that, she’s simply a BITTER BITCH. She’s a mother of 2 or 3 children with not a committed man in sight and the thought that the men she had children with moving on and having successful and happy marriages with other women is too hard to deal with.

My concern with this situation is simply the children. I have no doubt that women who are this damn angry and bitter are teaching their children the same. I have no doubt that they are making it difficult for the children and fathers to have a strong and loving relationship with one another. I’m certain that they feel comfortable inappropriately inserting themselves in places they have no business and doing so while using their children as justification.

Listen sistah….

Please walk away from the Bitter Baby Mama Club. It doesn’t serve you, it hinders you. If you want to be happy, and in a committed relationship then you should let go of the relationship and man that let go of you. You don’t have to be best friends with his new lady, but you could certainly be courteous and respectfully of her and their relationship. Be an example to your kids. I know it’s not easy. Hell after you give your all to a man, and bare his child(ren) just to get hurt, and lose it all is undoubtly a traumatic and devastating experience. What’s worse though is wasting anymore time, energy and emotions on a dead situation. Walk away with grace; if for no other reason to save face. Don’t continously embarrass yourself with the bitter bitch activities. You’re playing yourself and setting a bad example to your children. Find peace. He did……

 

Bitter Women Blog

Family: ‘Out of Town’

I have a lot of sisters. And I do mean a lot. For the most part it’s all love. We don’t all talk to one another each day, but we all love one another and as far as the kids are concerned we unashamedly spoil the hell out of our nieces and nephews! There is however one sister. There’s no other way to say it, SHE’S A USER! I have literally not had a decent conversation with her since 2010….. 7 YEARS AGO. We spoke briefly in 2012, and I do mean brief, and it was very awkward. And why else would any family members have a falling out????? MONEY! She borrowed money and refused to pay it back. To be perfectly honest it was never the money to me, it was always the principle. She borrowed $500 from me and swore she couldn’t afford to return it however she managed to purchase a 300K house, a new Volvo and other lavish items. The last straw for me however is when she stopped speaking to my mother because after sending her over 10K in a year’s time my mom said enough was enough and cut her off. Her daughter then cut her off.

 

Recently, I was in her parts of the country and decided that I should reach out. Seeing as I don’t have her number or address I reached out to one of my little sisters who does and told her that I was near our oldest sister’s house and that I was going to step out on faith and reach out. I then told her to pass her my number, and my husband’s number and let her know that she’s more than welcomed to meet her niece and see how big her nephew has gotten. My sister, being the comedian replied with, “You stepping out on faith with the wrong bitch, but OKAY”.

 

Later that evening my little sister texted me back and said our older sister was out of town, (please see the text traffic below lmao). We both kinda figured that that was untrue, but hey, what can you do????

 

And that’s the point of this post, what can you do? There are going to be so many situation where you’re dealing with family and they drive you absolutely damn crazy. They lie. They accuse. They play victim. The villainize you. Sometimes, they simply decide they do not want to deal with you or your children at all. What do you do??? Look around and take inventory of all the people that you do have for starters! I have sisters whom I love with every breath in my body, but still some how they love me more. I have friends who have become my family. And while ideally you’d love all of your family to be close knit life isn’t perfect.

 

So I hope my sister enjoys being ‘out of town’. I hope she’s happy, successful and loved by all of whom she’s in town for, because though she is missed, me and mines are doing just fine…….

 

 

Look at this shit lmao………

Family BLog Post