Sometimes You Outgrow Your Friends

So my tribe consist primarily of my military friends. We all grew up all over the country, and we have been friends for roughly 15 years. When each of us travels back to our childhood homes and meet up with our old friends we are finding that there’s very little connection left.

 

One of my girlfriends in particular traveled back home to NYC from Atlanta for her birthday weekend this past month. Her best friend from childhood (the only one who she actually kept up with over the years) hosted the event. The plan was to do a paint night, followed by live music at a lounge before calling it a night. Unfortunately, her best friend didn’t brief the group and they showed up expecting to turn all the way up, like they did before my friend moved away 15 years ago. Long story short she felt pressured to drink and club hop and ended up calling a night far sooner than planned.

 

I have spoken to this friend on several occasions about this particular childhood friend. She calls me and complains about how this friend is giving her hell about her commitment to her marriage, and her unavailability to visit and party among other things, and my question is always, why are you guys still friends?

 

My girlfriend and her best friend are opposites in every way. My friend is married with children, has a great career, and has traveled the world. Her friend is single, in a dead-end job, and rarely leaves NYC let alone the country. Their only connection are middle and high school memories that occurred what seems to be a lifetime ago, (we all graduated from high school in 2002 so I guess it wasn’t a lifetime but many changes have occurred in this time). Now, this doesn’t mean that my friend is better than her old friend, it just means that their connection is founded on childhood, and should probably be left there. My friend’s idea of fun has changed immensely! She, (as well as I) consider fun painting and wine, traveling and live music at various venues for starters. Picking a place for the two of them to hang out is always a challenge, one that she complains about constantly.

 

So, I say all of that to say ask yourself, have I outgrown your friends? If so, it’s okay! As we grow and change, so do the people around us, which means we may not always mesh. This is why I always tell people not to marry before 25, (another blog, coming soon). It’s perfectly fine to outgrow old friends and make new ones. Don’t feel obligated to remain friends with someone you don’t share any interest with. If you feel like that individual is a great person who you’d like to keep around, get to know them again, and reintroduce yourself to them as well. You  can learn a lot from one another and experience new and great things. But let go of dead relationships, they are pointless.

 

Outgrowing Friends Blog

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Dealing With Selfish People

So, it has taken me a long while to actually write this blog. It’s because there are so many moving pieces and so many variables. Because of those facts, understand that these thoughts that I am about to express do not necessarily apply to every type of relationship. What I want to address right now is selfish people and having a relationship with them. While a lot of what I am saying can apply to any type of relationship, i.e. friends, siblings, parent child, I am mostly addressing spouse relationships. Again, there is so much to be said about this topic and it’s a bit confusing as to where to start, so we’ll tackle it at what I consider to be the most important, identifying a selfish person.

 

Selfish people do not always set out to hurt people, and it’s important to understand that. When you realize someone is selfish you have to understand that they more than likely do not even realize that they are selfish and do not identify as such. Because selfish people do not realize that they are selfish, they don’t see a need to change which means that it is highly unlikely that they will change. If you decide at that point that you want to be with them, DO NOT BE UPSET WITH THEM FOR BEING EXACTLY WHO THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN. You cannot change anyone, they have to want to change.

 

Selfish people can love you but only to the extent of their comfort. Sacrificing what’s important for anyone else is highly unlikely. They will only get uncomfortable, or sacrifice when losing you is not an option for them and even then their motives is about THEIR need for you, not about your needs, which makes their efforts truly insincere. Trying to articulate this to them can be fruitless because they do not understand that things had to get to a place where your relationship was about to dissolve for them to take action. They typically do not understand that their actions were selfish because they only see that the change was made, not that it took losing you for them to be courteous of you and your needs. And the changes usually don’t last because they never saw the value in them to begin with.

 

Here’s the big thing, you cannot punish people for who they are. If you decide to engage with someone who isn’t what you need, then you have to accept them. You cannot make someone pay for what they are lacking in the relationship, you can only walk away. If you have a hard time leaving the relationship, you need to figure out what this person’s hold on you is, and whether or not that ‘thing’ is worth being with someone who cares far more about themselves then they do about you. I am firm believer in treating everyone the way I want to be treated, and if they don’t deserve to be treated that way, then they do not deserve to be in your space.

Selfish Blog

Finding Balance as a Wife and or Mother

I certainly cannot speak for every woman, mother or wife, but I know a few things that I feel I should share. When you’re young and single rarely do you appreciate what that means. It means that you can come and go as you please. It means that your money is your own and you are not obligated to do anything with it but what you please. It means that you can travel, explore and move as you please. It is an amazing and wonderful period in life that we, as women often give up too soon! Now this isn’t to say that being a mother and or wife isn’t amazing in its own right. I am a mother of two children. I am also married. I am very blessed and I am appreciative of what I have.

 

The problem I believe is that many women get married and or have children before we realize who we are or what we want. By the time we realize where we want to be or who we want to be, achieving it is so difficult because we have so many other obligations and our desires can no longer be our priority. We have children who need raising, husbands who need praising and bills, bills, bills….

 

We cannot go back in time and get a redo but we can find some much-needed balance! First things first, YOU ARE A PRIORITY!!!! If you are not well, then you cannot take care of your family and other obligations. If your family is used to you constantly caring for them with no regards to your own needs getting them to understand you ‘new’ self-care time, and or requirement maybe a little difficult. To make it easy, make it a regularly occurring event. For example, let your family know that the first Saturday of every month is your day and you will be spending that time alone. Or let them know that you want to go back to school and doing so is going to require a little sacrifice from everyone.

 

Also, get comfortable with people, (and in some cases your own husband) thinking you’re selfish. Yes, your husband. This is the thing, often they just don’t get it. They probably grew up with a super woman for a mom who selflessly cared for them and their siblings with little care for her own wellbeing. KUDOS TO HER!!!!! But that doesn’t have to be you, and its not a requirement of a good wife and or mother. You are a person. You have needs, and you need to care for yourself.  Or maybe they married you with the understanding that you were to take up a certain role, and somewhere in the shuffle you changed and need something new. Whatever the case is you may be thought of as a BITCH because you’re ready to take care of yourself. Being thought of in this way can be hurtful, but you have to live each and every day that you wake up, and you have to figure out what’s most important, being thought of in a positive way or living a positive life.

In short, be selfish sometimes. Be happy all the time. Don’t forget about (insert your name here), because she’s amazing……….
Reach out, I’d love to hear from you!

RandomThoughtsBlog17@gmail.com 

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Women, friendships, and sisterhood

When I was coming up, and still to this day I would/do often hear women say, “I don’t have female friends, they’re catty and drama”. And though to some extent I would understand what they were saying, because let’s face it, we have all seen it, I know that this isn’t entirely true. What I know more so today than ever before is that, we, as women absolutely need to connect on a personal level with trusted friends of the same gender.

There are things that no one other than another woman is going to understand. There are things that men WILL NOT GET. We need a good friend, a trusted friend who loves us enough to be honest with us, even if that honesty hurts like a bitch! We need someone who will cry for us when we are truly unable to do it for ourselves. And we need someone to share secrets with, and not feel judged because of our mistakes.

These friends are hard to come by, but when you’ve identified them, treat them like they’re worth their weight in gold because I assure they’re more valuable than even that. I have 3 girlfriends like that. Oddly enough we all served in Iraq together, lol. Maybe it takes a war to build the kind of bond that we share, who knows. These ladies are definitely battled tested though, lol! What I do know is combined those three women are the only women on earth who truly know who I am. They know all the ugly about me, and they love me so much. When I cry, they cry, and when I’m down they are down. One of them most recently went through a horrible break up, and I cried for a month because I didn’t know how to help her. Years before she did the same for me.

Though, good girlfriends are hard to find, they are out there. Try to recognize them when you see them so you don’t make the mistake of letting them slip through your fingers. Below is a list of the characteristics of my good girlfriends. My advice? If you have someone in your life who portrays these values, keep them around…..

* Always tells you the truth, even if it isn’t pretty, (one of my girls had to tell me about my husband’s infidelity and was so scared to do it, but knew she had too. She was right and I would have never known otherwise. Living in lies is something I cannot do, and she knew it)

* Encourages you when you doubt your ability to do something

* Holds you accountable (one of my girlfriends never allows me to make excuses when I’ve dropped the ball on anything)

* Willing to go out of their way, just to see you, (my girls and I hop flights and or travel hours by car)

* Never judges you, or throws past mistakes in your face (and they know all of my mistakes lol)

* Holds all of your secrets, even when doing so is difficult

* Loves your children, (one of my friends hates kids but genuinely loves mines simply because they’re mine)

* Knows exactly how to make you feel better when you’re down (this tells you that they actually know and care about you)

This is not all inclusive, this is just some of the qualities I love most about my tribe….

black women friends